


Don’t feed the plants

by Beth Harker (Beth_Harker)



Category: Little Shop of Horrors (1986)
Genre: Gen, Seymour and Audrey make cameos, epistolatory story telling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:34:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26823727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beth_Harker/pseuds/Beth%20Harker
Summary: The United States - Little Shop of Horrors AU
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13





	Don’t feed the plants

_From the archives of the Daily Paper, December 19th 2017_

**Giant Plant Attack Speculated in Cleveland**

Several buildings in downtown Cleveland were destroyed yesterday. According to eyewitnesses, a giant Venus flytrap like plant ripped through the city, laughing manically as it devoured passers by. The plant is still allegedly on the loose and eating people.

The President has tweeted a photo of himself eating a carrot to soothe the population, a departure from his usual diet of everything except for carrots. “Plants don’t eat us,” the President said in a press conference this afternoon. “We eat them. Typically fat housewives on diets eat many plants. Well, at least when they’re not eating chocolate cake and crying because nobody loves them. I told my own wife the other day that she might try a lettuce one of these days, or a... what do you call them? A parsnip. Of course, she doesn’t need to eat parsnips, because she’s a super model with superb breasts, but I’ve heard that many fine people eat them. Many fine people.” 

Critics have criticized that The President’s comments as being anti-feminist. The President insists that he is the biggest feminist in the world. 

——————

_From the archives of the Daily Paper, December 22nd 2017_

**Cleveland Destroyed**

On this somber day, we must reflect on the fact that Cleveland has been destroyed by alien plants. One of the plants, an individual referring to itself is Audrey 917, offered an interviewer the following sound bite before devouring her: 

“We’re going to eat people and destroy your cities because we’re evil and it’s fun. Our goal is to bust humanity’s ass. Mwah hahaha.” 

In a press conference this afternoon, the President admitted that the murderous plants were indeed not entirely friendly towards humanity, but compared them to poison ivy. 

“Nefarious plant life has existed before, and we have our way of dealing with it,” The President pointed out. “If they make your skin itch, you can rub on a little aloe vera. It’s a great drug and a fine solution to any plant related problem. The real threats to this country are democrats and foreigners.” 

There has been a run on aloe vera at all national stores, along with toilet paper. 

————————

_From the archives of the Daily Paper, December 29th 2017_

**Giant Plant Attacks Linked to Sale of Audrey II’s**

Could the adorable potted Audrey II’s sold at supermarkets and toy stores across the nation be responsible for the giant plants that have entirely decimated 11 cities across the US? Several factors seem to indicate this as a distinct possibility. Yesterday, renowned botanist Seymour Krelborn gave a tearful interview, in which he admitted he’d raised the first Audrey II by feeding it a steady diet of human blood, until it ate a dentist and his adopted father. Even his own beloved wife only narrowly escaped being eaten. He warned everybody that the best way to contain this threat was not to feed plants, thus creating more ravaging monsters. 

The President has latched onto an off handed comment in Mr. Krelborn’s interview in which he mentioned that the plants came from outer space and appeared during a total eclipse of the sun. The President has written a ten page document outlining his plans to contain the plant threat, which includes cutting off diplomatic relations with the moon. 

“You might even buy guns and shoot the sky,” The President suggested. “In America, we have the freedom to do that. I think I’ve done a great thing for this country. I’ve done more than any other country in the world to contain this plant threat.” 

Following several states’ bans on the sale of Audrey IIs The President revealed via tweet that he considered those states’ governors to be fascist dictators, even going so far as suggesting that exercising our American right to purchase Audrey IIs would stimulate the economy. The President himself has purchased fifty small Audrey IIs, the same number of stars on the American Flag. 

——————

_From the archives of the Daily Paper, January 13th 2018_

**Grisly Experiment in the Whitehouse Alarms Detractors**

Fifty Audrey IIs sit in a circle around the Oval Office. Of these plants, thirty have grown big and strong, while the other twenty have begun to wither. 

“You see,” the President explained in an interview, “after I bought the plants to represent the fifty states, I remember that twenty of those states had had the audacity to misrepresent the 2016 election results and fail to give me deserved votes. Can you imagine that? So I thought to myself... I thought, you know, what do I owe to those radical leftist states? That’s why I’ve chosen not to feed their plants.” 

Although nationwide polls have revealed that much of the country is disturbed that our leader is gleefully feeding various people who he considers undesirable to his collection of evil plants, his supporters point out that he is the best thing that ever happened to Washington, and they simply don’t care what he does. 

Meanwhile, Seymour and Audrey Krelborn have been out doing their best to electrocute as many Audrey IIs as they can. 

One supporter of the President, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims that it all comes down to constitutional rights. “I don’t think that it’s necessarily wrong to go out electrocuting plants in order to help contain the worst threat to civilization our planet has ever known,” he said, “as long as you also acknowledge that I have the right to keep one in my basement, hunt down your grandmother, and feed her to it.” 

———————-

_From the archives of the Daily Paper, January 20th 2018_

**A New Normal**

Although there are currently Audrey IIs ravaging every town, city, and village in the United States, the President has urged people to return to their normal lives. Business and socialization are important. 

In a press conference on Friday he speculated that plants hate pesticides and perhaps we could all consider injecting pesticides to make ourselves less appetizing to the plants. According to a statement put out be the Center for Poison Control, that’s a bad idea for many reasons. 

Although the President has refused to elaborate on the pesticide comment, which many of his top aides claim was sarcastic, he has made it clear that most people have little to worry about from the enormous man eating space plants. The main victims of the plants are people who can’t run very quickly. Fast runners have little to be concerned about. 

——————-

_From the archives of the Daily Paper, January 30th 2018_

**Sssslurp**

The President tweeted yesterday that he has been devoured by one of the plants inside his office. However, that means that he is part of the plant now, making the plant our rightful leader. There is no need for alarm. Several detractors, who had feared that they’d need to wait for the 2020 election to see any real change, have speculated that the giant plants who want to eat us all might be an improvement over the current administration.


End file.
